anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
