dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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