if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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