I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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