You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
