omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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