You smell like stripper and shame
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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