He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
