In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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