don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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