does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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