You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
