seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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