babies were throwing up all over the place
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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