Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
