HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
