Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
