Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
