Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
