My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
