Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
