dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
