so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
