Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
