so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
