I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
