Just cropdusted the office
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
