my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
