I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
