I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
