if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
