I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
