my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
