i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
