I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
