I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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