Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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