A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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