I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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