I wish I could teleport
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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