if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
