about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
