I just threw up on my dentist
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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