i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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