I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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