did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
