i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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