yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
