I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
