maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
