Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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