Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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