My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
