I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
