You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
